But, it makes me think.... that when it really comes down to it... no matter how hard we train, or prep, or think we are prepared for a given situation....when you are staring your own mortality in the face.....can we really predict how we will respond? The truth is, I am scared. Scared that I will lose my faith in the human spirit. Scared I will refuse to help others... when my entire life has been spent helping those who need me. I am scared of seeing my children go hungry... and not being able to provide for them or protect them. Scared of what I will do when my finger is on the trigger and it comes down to your life or mine.
Fear is a big motivator for me... It is why I am here now. You are right... I can only give it everything I have and hope that rabid ruthless instinct kicks in.
I'm a very nice, kind, mild-mannered person, I don't like confrontation, I try to do everything to not have confrontation, I'm fairly meek, I have also never initiated a fight in my life, so I never started one. I have finished a couple, however, I despise violence, and I actually cannot hit another person in the face first, unless I feel threatened and they hit first.
Well a few years ago, I was held at gun point by two really big strong teenagers, I'm short, but stocky I guess. They were much bigger than me. After being struck in the face, and held at gunpoint, I found a rage inside me that I had never felt before, the adrenalin literally made me crazy, a psycho, blood thirsty psycho, I turned into an animal. I damaged one of the guys genitalia so bad by a hundred or so blows from the stock of his own rifle, that I ripped his nut sack, detached his penis from his body, and made him impotent for life. I told him I was going to kill him and I believe it. Had I had something on me, with which I could have killed him, I would have in that moment. I also had the hammer dropped on me twice, and because of a bad firing pin, my life was spared. God was watching out for me, guess I was supposed to live, God had bigger plans for me, I guess.
Anyway, I never in one million years expected myself to react so savagely to anything in my entire life. I literally turned into a wild gorilla, a king of the beasts, I lost my mind and went completely native. Its the only time in my life I actually wanted to kill another human being and would have if I had the means. I'm probably one of the nicest and most kind people you would ever meet, you'd look at me, and not in a million years believe the monster I turned into, and the people there said the exact same thing. They said I went form nice and mild-mannered, to a completely psychotic blood thirsty killer in about 10 seconds when I was assaulted, my life and my friend's lives threatened.
Of course, once the adrenalin ceased, and I tended to my gaping head wounds from being pistol whipped repeatedly, I returned back to normal, but I learned something very amazing about my self. Something I never thought I was capable of. If pushed to, I will kill in defense of my life, and most definitely, the ones I love, even though I'm probably one of the nicest guys you could ever meet.
I'm glad I know that about myself, but there is no way I could have known that about myself before it happens. I imagine that's the same for anyone. When the shit gets thick, people either fold or they rise to the occasion. I'm glad I'm one that rises to the occasion, but not everyone has this, and there is NO WAY to tell which way you will go until the shit gets thick. You have to have it happen to you, before you know what you will do. Its just a hard cold fact.
I pray that we are all the type people that will rise to the occasion, but the truth is, that you never know until tested. Until then, pray hard, and pray that we will never need all this stuff that we are prepping for. Once the can is opened, its going to be hard to put the worms back in. Its not something I want to happen, but I know that I'm prepared for it if it does happen. God Bless.
