Jokes

[JohnyMac]

Special-K 

[special-k]

Dog Food...

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal (dog food) at Walmart.  While standing in line at the check out, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[special-k]

I hate when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me, no need to be a dick about it.

[JohnyMac]

"Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me." 

Too funny! 

[brat]

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
 
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
 
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
 
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
 
"Well pumpkin, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled and waved at everyone she saw. I really didn't have much fun at all."

Sorta brings a tear to your eye.

[JohnyMac]

That was precious...It brought a  to my eye.