Jokes

[special-k]

There once was a man who drank a lot.  His wife told him "If you ever come home drunk again I'm going to leave you."  He went down to the bar and drank a lot, and threw up all over himself. And said to his friend "If I go home my wife will leave me". His friend said "I'll tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw up on you and put a 20 dollar bill in your jacket pocket, then show it and say 'He gave me this for the cleaning bill'."

So he comes home and his wife says "No No, no no!"  He replies "Somebody threw up on me, and gave me 20 dollars for the cleaning bill."  She said "So why have you got two 20 dollar bills in your hand?"  He said "Oh, the other one is from the man who shat in my pants".

[Kentactic]

Lol

[Ghost]

That one never gets old

[thatGuy]

That one never gets old

Never!

It's a classic!

[hjmoosejaw]

Good one!

[special-k]

Little Johnny was getting ready for school when he passed his parents' bedroom and noticed that the door was ajar, he looked in and saw his Mom furiously riding atop her Dad. Johnny watched this with great interest for a moment until his Mom made some very strange noises and collapsed on the bed.

?What were you doing, Mom?? asked Johnny. The Mom, completely taken by surprise thought quick. ?We?ll Johnny, your Dad?s tummy is getting pretty big and I was just trying knock the air out of it to flatten it out.?

?You?re wasting your time?

?Why do you say that Johnny??

?Because after you leave for work, Aunt Jane comes over to blow him back up.?

[special-k]

So there's a blond and a brunette riding in an elevator.  When it stops on the 6th floor and a man gets on. Well, they notice that he has some dandruff on his shoulder but politely decline to say anything until the man leaves two floors later. The brunette then turns to the blond and says, "someone needs to give that poor guy some Head 'n Shoulders." To which the blond replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

[hjmoosejaw]

Both good special-k! especially the "little Johnny" one.

[JohnyMac]

  Too funny SK...Too funny!

[Grudgie]

There is an owl and a squirrell sitting on a branch together in the middle of the woods. The squirrell turns to the owl and says nothing. Because it is a squirrel. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

[special-k]

@Grudgie

Cricket Sound

[Reaver]

I'd seen the thread titled " jokes "

Was only expecting to see two words.

I was caught by surprise when the first two words I read wasn't " women's rights " 


edited for clarity ~ s-k

[thatGuy]

So this one time I wrote a book..

[WhiteWolfReloaded]

Hey guys, where's MrLockandLoad? 

[hjmoosejaw]

I got a little joke I tell sometimes. It's usually just funny to the person telling it, but hey, just one of the little ways, I keep myself entertained. It's a reverse "knock knock joke"

You quickly say: "Gotta knock knock joke for ya, tell me knock knock!"

They (without thinking) respond: "Knock Knock"

You quickly respond: "Who's there?"

Then just sit and watch the dumb, puzzled look on their face, cause they haven't had time, they got nothing. I don't know, try it, I get a kick out of it. 

[special-k]

The Factory

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The
project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated,
RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had
a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in
the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would
sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it
should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective
box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the
new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the
factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well
spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number
of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with
projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate
should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check
the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line
where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new
$8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off
the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.


"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it
there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting
the line every time the bell rang."

[JohnyMac]

I LOVE IT SK...I love it!

[Alex1992]

Little Johnny was getting ready for school when he passed his parents' bedroom and noticed that the door was ajar, he looked in and saw his Mom furiously riding atop her Dad. Johnny watched this with great interest for a moment until his Mom made some very strange noises and collapsed on the bed.

?What were you doing, Mom?? asked Johnny. The Mom, completely taken by surprise thought quick. ?We?ll Johnny, your Dad?s tummy is getting pretty big and I was just trying knock the air out of it to flatten it out.?

?You?re wasting your time?

?Why do you say that Johnny??

?Because after you leave for work, Aunt Jane comes over to blow him back up.?

That's a good one 

[hjmoosejaw]

Good one SK! That sounds like some of the logic, or lack thereof, where I work. 

[special-k]

WORD OF THE DAY

Exhaustipated - (adj.)
def. -  To tired to give a shit.

[special-k]

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............

[brat]

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
 
He looked up from his newspaper and said; " Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
 
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
 
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
 
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"
 
He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished."

[special-k]

The following joke actually won an award for the best joke in
world competition held in Britain.

So this Israeli doctor says: "In Israel medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles put them on another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, In Germany we take part of a brain put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President.  Now the whole damn country is looking for work!"
 

[special-k]

A devout Arab Muslim entered a taxi cab. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

[special-k]

An office manager at Wal-mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.  He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied "A THOUGHT.  It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.  "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm, let me see.  A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.  Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart store near you.