Control it is. The allure of power.
As for getting right with your Father in heaven, Jesus took care of that for you, the work is done. Great to see you're in the Word, I need to get back into it more myself. I find myself drifting away at times and that's when I notice things in my life start to deteriorate. When I stay in prayer and reading, the Lord guides and speaks to me. When I don't hear Him, it's not because He's abandoned me, it's because I've wandered away from his grace.