Author Topic: From a court reporter  (Read 628 times)

Offline JoJo

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From a court reporter
« on: February 27, 2017, 10:05:33 PM »

TRY NOT TO LAUGH AT STUPID ANSWERS..
 
 
 
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER.
  These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while the exchanges were taking place:
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:      He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:      My name is Susan!
______________________________ _
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS:      July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS:      Every year.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS:      Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS:      Forty-five years.
______________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:      I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:      Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:      Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:      Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:      Take a guess.
______________________________ _____________
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:      He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:      Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:      No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:      All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:      Oral...
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Cooper was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:      Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And last:
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
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Offline JohnyMac

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Re: From a court reporter
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2017, 10:13:29 AM »
 :lmfao: to funny JoJo.

When I was living in LA I got busted for driving my dingy in excess of 5 knots and was creating a wake, in the Marina del Rey marina. Well I decided to fight the $250-, so I went to court to fight it.

While sitting in the audience waiting for my case to come up, sitting with a host of other criminals who where waiting too for their opportunity to explain to the judge about why they shouldn't be convicted of their special crime to the state - I sat there hysterically laughing at the antics of the accused before the bench, their attorneys and the Asst-DA's. PLUS the comments being made by my fellow criminals that surrounded me around in the audience. Every time I think of that day I spent in court I keep thinking of the line from Arlo Guthries Alice's Restaurant.

Quote
...And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's
Where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after
Committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
Looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father
Rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And
They was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
Bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
Father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly
'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me
And said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay
$50 and pick up the garbage. " He said, "What were you arrested for, kid? "
And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench
There, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
Said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,
And we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
Father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
Bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of
Things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it
Up and said...

To this day, it was one of the best consecutive four hours I have ever spent.
Keep abreast of J6 arrestees at https://americangulag.org/ Donate if you can for their defense.

Offline special-k

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Re: From a court reporter
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2017, 01:28:30 PM »
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS:      Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS:      Forty-five years.
______________________________ ___


 :what:
I don't get it.
"It wouldn't do any good.  I've had the shit beat out of me a lot of times.  I just replenish with more shit."  - Billy McBride

Offline grizz

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Re: From a court reporter
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2017, 06:55:43 PM »
someone has to have more of these
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